Here’s a 10 years challenge – but from another life changing perspective

Our social media accounts were flooded with the 10 years challenge that mostly focused on the physical transformations.  But here is a truthful challenge that comes from other deep challenges that pushed my dear friend Lama share her experience so hopefully her words could touch someone who is facing similar challenges.

I will not say more, I will leave you with her words, her experience and how she dealt with the bad thoughts, anxiety and depression. She is now an awesome wife and a mother of two beautiful kids teaching them life skills and giving them the right space to be whoever they want to be.

In 2008, all I wanted to do was sleep.

Every time I lay my head down, the racing thoughts were endless. What was this terrifying thing that was happening to me? Why couldn’t I do anything to make it stop?

I was so tired, so exhausted but I couldn’t get myself to fall asleep for more than a couple of hours. I was awake all night, nervously shifting around my bed, every single night. It was hell. The nights were dark, but it was getting darker in my head.

I was a bubbly high-functioning person until I was not anymore, I stopped smiling, almost unable to take care of myself. I felt paralyzed. My whole body was shaky, my once strong voice had turned into a raspy whisper, eventually, I stopped talking altogether. The hardest part of the day was getting out of bed every morning to go to work. I became so isolated and I started to look pale and sick ’til my boss gave me an open-ended leave until I felt better.

I found myself gone from the world and I was sure I would never live to see it again.

I often felt my face, hands and feet getting numb, I felt paralyzed at times and so dizzy I couldn’t walk or open my eyes. My younger sister used to wake up in the middle of the night, hug me and massage my hands until I felt better and slept.

At some point, I started to contemplate how to end my life, my suffering, which for many was dumb, for many people I was overreacting. The only reason that was stopping me from killing myself was the pain my parents would feel. But I mostly thought about ending my suffering.

Every day, I sat on a couch facing the balcony, my parents lived on the 6^th floor, so chances of surviving the fall would be close to null. I started to imagine myself jumping off and the possible scenarios happening afterwards. The peace I would feel afterwards.

I woke up one day and I told my mother that I don’t want to live anymore, that all I was thinking about is jumping off the balcony and asked her to help me stop thinking this way because I would never want to hurt her or dad, and that they were the only reason stopping me from taking that jump.

My parents took me to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and mild depression. He prescribed me a couple of medications and asked to see me on a regular basis.

I thought that I would never get better, but my family members were giving me hope, so was my back then boyfriend (now husband), they kept telling me that life wouldn’t always be this bad. Until I stopped obsessing about ending my life.

I started going back to work, seeing my friends, making the effort to smile again and best of all sleeping better.

In due course and after a while, my psychiatrist stopped my medication, and I was almost back to normal, knowing what I have/had and how to deal with my mental illness.

Today, 11 years later, I am happily married with two wonderful children. I am in love with my life. I feel so blessed, glad and so grateful every day that I did not end my life in July 2008. It brings tears to my eyes now to think of all of the things I would have missed out on.

In 2018, I knew two people who ended their lives. No one knew how they felt, they were suffering in silence. No one has to go through this, there is always someone to talk to. We do now have Embrace’s suicide prevention hotline on 1564 in Lebanon.

To those who are thinking about ending their life, believe me when I say that you are loved, even if you don’t feel it. You matter, even if you don’t know it. Life will get better. Is suicide your only way out? No, it’s not. You are not a hopeless case, you just need a hopeful cause. That cause is you.

You need to STAY ALIVE to experience all the many good things that will come your way – the places you’ll go, the people you’ll meet, the joy (yes, JOY and happiness) you’ll experience.

If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, you might be afraid to bring up the subject. But talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life. People who take their lives don’t want to die, they just want to stop hurting. Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously.

Lama Beydoun